I really do not fancy......

growing up....
I mean..ok..I know it's necessary to an extent and now i guess its a good thing that i can comfortably use the word "boyfriend" around the parents without anybody having a heart attack.
For e.g
previous reaction when i say "Boyfriend" around my mum

Iphyigbogurl: Mummy bla bla bla bla bla... Boyfriend
Mummy: *scrunches up face and gives me a deadly look* "Biko biko rapu udi ife anwa" (please please..leave that kind talk/thing)

and she'll go on to give me a veeeeeeerrryyyy long sermon which i think can be likened to Jesus's sermon on the mount to the disciples before he shared fish and bread back in the day ....only difference..my mum did not share any edibles after the talk ..she just kept watching me for "signs"

but recently....

iphyigbogurl: mummy, Nonso (my imaginary boyfriend...i know...i'm pathetic..don't judge me!!! :p) is sooo handsome...he loves me...

Mummy: *chuckle* ehen? gwa ya na nne gi si ya nwete brideprice obuna o di serious... mana o ge che...ka i gucha akukwo *chuckle again* (ehen? tell him that your mum said he should brideprice if he is serious..but he'll wait for you to finish school)

I won't even bother explaining my dad's reaction... he always tries to dodge such topics because he is "embarrassed" ..lol...
but at least he no longer has the If-I-catch-anything-with-a-penis-near-you-i'll-kill-him-and-put-him-in-a-showglass-as-an-example-for-future-rascals-coming-near-you reaction....

so i guess we've made some progress yeh?


ha!! I just remembered when I told my oldest brother about my imaginary Nonso (once again, feel free to realize I can be quite pathetic)
this boy told me "you don't need a boyfriend, you already have 4 , me ur two other brothers and daddy....."

you guys can go ahead and have pity on me at this point....in case you didn't already have pity on me since u started reading this post..

Ok so why am I writing this post huh?
Ok.....there is something my "growing up" has robbed me of....and I am determined to take it back.... by force!! (because the violent taketh it by force, and I am violent..thats how we do!! lol)

what is it you might ask?

Kissing!!!


huh??

ok...I french my mum...
yea u read right..i french kiss my mummy...
well...up until like a yr ago..

i know.... u think i'm sick right? and i will not hold it against you if if u decide to unfollow me or just close ur browser just because of this statement..lol...i think i'm sick too...(well.. most of the time)... :p

ha! I remember telling a guy i liked..and he liked me too...about french kissing my mum...lets just say ......things changed after that...

who wants to be with a sick freak anyway?? (and not a freak in a gud way..freak like weirdo type sturvs) so I don't blame the poor bloke....lol

if the fact that I live by myself away from my family, or the fact that my parents trust me with secrets, money, my own life (lol) andd the fact that i did not whine and frown and complain for hours when my mum told me she will not be coming to see me again this yr till i go back to naija at the end of the year (instead i used my business conscious Igbo mind advantage to tell my mum that since she broke her promise, she should send me her ticket money so i can use it to go shopping since she wont be coming again..but my mum is a better business woman and Igbo woman than me..so lets just say..i shall not be going on any shopping spree with my mummy's ticket money as she said "instead of giving u for shopping, how about i use it for MY own shopping" .....oh my poor heart..), didnt show me that I was finally growing up...

my mum refusing to french kiss me again certainly did.... :(

like 2 weeks ago..i went to London...to see my brother and my mum came to visit from naija as well...
then i remembered we hadnt frenched in like forever
so i was like
"mummy, kiss me"
and she pecked me on the lip

say whaaaaaattt????????

iphyigbogurl was enraged!!!!!!

"mummy, why don't you kiss me like you used to" (that does not sound like anything one should be saying to (a.) a family member (b.) anyone who isnt your boo..)

and she goes...

"WELL IPHYIGBOGURL....YOU ARE NO LONGER A BABY, WE USED TO DO THAT WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER"


WHATTTTT?????????????


ok.... first of all...we used to french up until last yr..so guess what MUMMY!!!??? you are mistaken...clearly

secondly...what does she mean i'm no longer a baby????

I need to sit down before my head drops from my neck....

and to worsen it she started laughing!!!

oh yea...kick me me when i'm already down mum!!!!


This is not fair!!!!
I want my french kisses back!!!!


ok yea..i've had my fair share of kisses, some good, some mind-blowing, some soo awful that I got serious stomach aches and headaches too right after... (please guys..brush your teeth, floss, use mouthwash, go to the dentist if you have problems and consider others) but i blame myself....i shoulda checked before i proceeded to kiss homeboy (but i digress)...
however.....my mummies kisses are the best!!!

and no because I am "grown"...i no longer get them????????????????????

*breaks bottles*

this is some bull!!!!!

i didn't know I will ever...ever have to sacrifice mummy's frenchies because i am "grown"

I do not fancy this!!!!

ok..yea i know i can no longer do the baby voice thing with anyone except my daddy.. (yea, he still falls for that ish...lol) but at least can i at least get my frenchies privileges back????






my heart is broken..... aand heavy....

excuse me while i go weep and device a way to get my frenchies back from mum....

does anyone know what Leonardo DiCaprio said about planting an idea in one's mind in "Inception"??

I shall be needing tons of that....



I might WILL get my kisses back...and not just any kisses....... my juicy ones!!!!



"grown" my ass!!!! tchewwwww




gosh...i need a massage..my poor heart is depressed..and massages make me feel better :(

if only Nonso was real..... damn him and his imaginary self!!!!!!

imaginary men cannot massage you!!





I knew i shoulda got a real bobo....Nonso ain't doing ish for me....


useless bastard!!!!



yours devoid of kisses,

Iphyigbogurl









disclaimer: the individual who posted this is not as mentally troubled as this post might make her seem, please do not judge her mental state based on this post alone.......